The Inspiration Nation

The world mourns a great man today.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It's a somber and sobering day, as I remember Dr. King and the legacy he created in life and in death.  Forty years after the death of civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., there is still much work to do.

That's why it is also a day of rejoicing that you and I have the honor and privilege of embracing the spirit of Dr. King and taking up his torch of freedom, racial equality, and economic justice for everyone.

Will you take up the challenge? 

I am also reminded today of my dear friend and mentor, Dr. Dov Baron (who was just a 10-year-old boy when Dr. King died), whose mission is to raise consciousness and impact the world with the same magnitude that Dr. King impacted his.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but Dr. Baron has surely impacted me in immeasurably powerful ways.

If you've ever been to one of Dov's programs, "overdelivery" (in the sense of getting far more value than you could have imagined, even if you've been to the specific program more than once) couldn't be more of an understatement.

Chad and I have had very loving, intimate times (and not-so-loving or intimate times) the duration of our relationship, but I don't think it's ever been as unpretentious, close, open or deep as after just 1 1/2 days of the Quantum SoulMates for Couples program.

On the first day, we were reminded that Quantum SoulMates don't magically appear by accident, coincidence or mistake.  Instead, we resonate into our life specific people to give us the opportunity for healing and growth.

Chad and I have agreed to take that a step further and enter into a Quantum SoulMate Relationship.  This means we have committed to fulfilling the potential to heal and to grow as individuals and as a couple.

This isn't a light or easy commitment since it entails being willing to look at the wounds I've been carrying around and resolving to clean them up when situations in my relationship reveal to me that there is still healing to be done.

As Dov puts it, "It means begin willing to go through whatever you need to go through to get to the other side.  When shit comes up, being willing to look first at yourself, not them."

The challenge with this is that everyone has been hurt deeply in their lives and they don't want to be hurt again.

So, here are for conditions I have to agree to in order to enter a Quantum Relationship:

1. Educate myself about relationship beyond social conditioning (Who got an owner's manual or specific training on how to create, sustain, and grow a healthy relationship?)
2. Enter the journey of self-discovery (It's all about ME, not the other person.  I'm the common denominator in all my relationships, romantic or otherwise.)
3. Train myself in the new model of relationship (You mean I can do that consciously?!)
4. Become accountable to change the behaviors and coping mechanisms that prevent me from creating a Quantum Soulmate Relationship together.

And we've already begun both the educate and the self-discovery process.

Very, very profoundly I might add.

Last evening, Renuka led us through an intense process where I really uncovered some "stuff" I thought I'd dealt with.  I was amazed the resentment and pain I felt toward my father in particular had not been altogether healed.  It not only profoundly affects me, but necessarily affects my relationship with my partner. . .

And not for the good of the relationship. 

This is a process of self-discovery, and I'm committed to looking at this head-on and healing it.

One thing's for sure, and that is I know I felt betrayed by, alienated from, and emotionally abused by my father.  He is the architypcal role model I have for men in my life, particularly those who purport to love me and claim to be trustworthy.

Through that process Renuka led, I discovered that in all of my relationships with men of any real depth, I haven't allowed myself to fully trust them.  I expect weakness, betrayal, and lack of trustworthiness.

Guess what's come up as an issue in my relationship with Chad?

I was talking with my accountability partner and told him that this discovery really informs my attachment to the idea that talk is cheap.  Chad often tells me he loves me, but I'm of the "Show-me-the-money" mindset, as in "We'll see.  The proof's in the pudding."

Of course, Chad has his own issues that inevitably work their way into our relationship, and to be sure, trust in any relationship is essential.

However, my unresolved (or better said, unhealed) issues of trust with my dad clearly strain and put an unnecessary burden on our relationship.

Dov and Renuka describe this issue (which trust is only one of many) as part of My Buried Unconscious Childhood Agenda.

Wow.  Imagine bringing and agenda into our relationships!  Yet, that's why we enter into relationships at all, to heal and to grow, and to raise consciousness of who we really are and who we can be. 

That's profound.

And only the tip of the iceberg (which itself is and overstatement) of the amazing learning (and learning experiences, since this program is highly interactive) that took place yesterday.

It's almost time to begin another 12+ hour day of intense clearing of junk, discovery of new tools for moving through conflict, and greater levels of intimacy ("into me see") with my partner.

More soon . . . 

I don't think I've ever written a blog entry in just 5 minutes, but since that's about all I have, here goes!

Chad and I arrived here at beautiful Loon Lake (more like Loon Sheet-of-Ice Lake right now) at about a quarter to 5 in the afternoon, shown to our room, and given several pages of intensive pre-session homework to do.

And they were pretty intense questions.  I don't have time to share at the moment, but I did find out some wonderful things about me and my partner and what we want out of our relationship.

We've been together 5 1/2 years and I am happy to say we have a very good relationship.  But I want to go (to borrow a phrase) from good to great.

I also discovered that one of my greatest fears is feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship. 

So last evening I promised myself to be fully committed to the process.   Indeed, we were engaged with exercises and connection and intense sessions for over 6 hours, only getting to bed after midnight.

And we're back again at 7:30 in the morning (5 more minutes).

A fellow participant just came down from her room and said she's exhausted from the vulnerability.

"You ain't seen nothing yet," Dov said.

Loon Lake, Maple Ridge, BC Canada (UBC)Chad and I are very excited to be off today to a 5-day couples' relationship retreat!  We'll be leaving within the hour.

The retreat will be facilitated by Dov and Renuka Baron at the University of British Columbia's Loon Lake Research and Educational Center.

On March 1 (two more days!), we will have been together 5 1/2 years and I'm happy to say we have a good relationship already.  We're very excited to learn how to transform a good relationship into a great one, and to catapult it to new heights of love and intimacy.

The workshop itself is called Quantum Soulmates for Couples.  Chad and I are committed to submitting wholeheartedly to the process.

We've been looking forward to this retreat for a long time, and it's been quite a journey to get here. 

Something tells me it's going to be a lot of fun. . . and a lot of work!

Many of you will know that I recently started a new blog, CoachingforRealEstateAgents.com.  So, periodically I surf the 'net reviewing the state of the real estate agent blogosphere to see what the current mood and conversation is.

So, I'm surfing and scanning blog articles and come across an absolutely amazing and inspirational piece by Tony Gallegos over on his blog, The Mortgage Cicerone.

It's a personal story about the power of Simple Acts of Kindness and Caring, and brings home the inspirational message that we never know the impact we have on others.

I learned from Tony that in every moment when I'm interacting with others, it is my privilege (and responsibility) to express love, kindness, and genuine care, because in that moment, I may be saving their life.

If you do nothing else today, read Tony's article.

May it inspire and uplift you to look for ways -- in every moment -- to bring joy and love and light to every person you come in contact with.

The February 2008 issue of Reader's Digest is out already.  There's a great make-you-think article written by Cynthia Dermody called "Words to Inspire;  7 things you should say to your kids -- and 7 things you shouldn't."

How can parents (or anyone who interacts with kids) communicate, offer feedback, be constructive without sounding condescending or insensitive?

It's not an easy task, to which any parent or teacher can attest.   Dermody offers the observation that "Your child may not hear the words you're sure you sad."

Sound familiar?

This Reader's Digest article offers a bit of helpful advice.  Here are 7 suggestions to better communication with kids:

(Of course, you'll have to get your own copy of Reader's Digest to go beyond this simple bulletted list, but hopefully this snippet reveals the power of a small shift in how we word things and the impact of that small shift on the self-esteem and development of a child, teen or young adult.)

1. You Say:  "You're the best."  They Hear:  "Your job in life is to make me happy."  Better:  "You should be proud of how hard you worked."
2. You Say:  "Watch your language."  They Hear:  "I've turned out what you're really trying to say."  Better:  "I'm so glad you came to talk to me, but I have one request for the future.  I find that word offensive, so please don't use it."
3. You Say:  "We can't afford that."  They Hear:  "Money is the answer to everything."  Better:  "The store is filled with great things today, but we've got lots at home already and we're not going to bring home anything more."
4. You Say:  "Don't worry -- it'll be okay."  They Hear:  "You're such drama queen!"  Better:  "I totally understand what you must have gone through.  Tell me about it."
5. You Say: "Don't talk to strangers."  They Hear:  "Anyone you don't know is trying to hurt you."  Better:  "Don't talk to people who make you feel uncomfortable.  Here's how to tell."
6. You Say:  "Make sure you share."  They Hear:  "Give away your stuff."  Better:  "Jesse would like to play with your race car for a while, but it's still yours and he will give it back."
7. You Say:  "Why did you (miss your curfew, hit your sister, etc.)?"  They Hear:  "You messed up again."  Better:  "My guess is that you missed your curfew because you were having fun and didn't want to come home, but tha's still not okay."

Of course, these are not perfect.  For example, the "better" example in number 1 seems to equate doing your best and doing well with working hard, or that only by working hard can success be obtained.

Perhaps an even better response might be something like "You should be very proud of what you accomplished."

What do you think?  How important are the words we say to kids and how we say them?

Do these examples from Reader's Digest really offer a better way to inspire our children?

Image by Natalie, under a Creative Commons licenseLast week, we hosted the motivational speaker, Bonnie Dean, at Mt. Baker SHRM's member appreciation luncheon.

She had many powerful things to say about lifting people up and the tremendous power of honoring the greatness we see in others (and ourselves) at every opportunity.

The concept that really stuck with me was to think of ourselves as human highlighters by proactively looking for here we can bring out the best in people.

How's that for inspiration?

We use highlighters to emphasize, make something stand out.  We highlight things that are important to us, that we want to draw attention to.

In a world Bonnie describes as "high tech and low touch," seeking what is wonderful about others and then telling them so is the beautiful way of inspiration.

Sometimes it's easier to consistently see what is good and wonderful about strangers than with the people we're most intimate with, like our own family.  At no time is this more challenging than during the holidays, it seems.

Esther Hicks addresses this very concept with the advice to "orientate yourself to the best part of those people around you."

She suggests getting a notebook and making a list of all of the positive aspects of the people you spend a lot of time with.  During the holidays, this would be your family.

The result?

"The things you like the most about them, those people will become that mostly to you."

Consciously embracing the idea of being a human highlighter -- deliberately enumerating what is great and wonderful about other people in your sphere of influence and concentrating on those things (and even telling them about those things) -- changes the focus from stress to joy.

I love the way Esther Hicks sums up the matter (I'm not sure that I have the quote exactly right, but the essence is there) in a segment from The Secret.  It's great, because sometimes we destroy or sacrifice our own joy by being consumed with the notion that we are somehow dependent on others in order to be happy.

"If you knew your potential to feel good, you'd ask no one to be different so you could feel good.  You would free yourself of all that cumbersome impossibility of needing to control the world or control your mate or control your child.  You're the only one who creates your reality.  It's all you.  Only you." 

Don't you agree that Esther's approach is more refreshing?

Mom turns 58 today!  She's a young momma.  Happy Birthday, Mom!

Here's to you (I couldn't get Stevie in person!): 

A friend of mine is currently separated from his wife, and it's naturally been a very emotionally draining experience for him.  His self-esteem -- which was not particularly high to begin with -- has plummeted.  He feels unloved, unattractive, insecure, shattered.

From an outside perspective, it's clear that he -- like a drowning man, mindlessly grasping for anything that might save him -- is desperately trying to win her back at all costs, trying to become someone he isn't.  He's making changes left and right, hoping and wishing that she will take notice and finally realize he's an attractive and worthy husband.

It's no secret that all of us desire expansion and movement toward becoming better, to improve ourselves.  Personal
Lisa Nichols; Author, Motivational Speaker, Coach development is a good thing.  However, trying to become more like someone else in order to win their love and approval is a no-win proposition.  It's an illusion -- a striving after the wind -- and it sets you up for more pain and suffering.  It definitely creates a shaky foundation for a marriage -- one where a mutually loving and respectful relationship is a near-impossibility.

With these thoughts occupying my mind, I found myself thumbing through some notes I'd made several months ago when I watched the movie The Secret.  Talk about the power of resonance and synchronicity!

In April, I wrote briefly about how each of us must take responsibility for being the perfect example of how others should love us.  We set the standard, not other people.  This is the way of integrity, self-respect, and self-love.

According to my notes, Lisa Nichols echoes this view:

"Do you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you?  When you're talking about relationship, think about
Esther Hicks, photo by Einar Einarsson Kvaran; 17 March 2006 (UTC)who you're bringing to that relationship, and I'm not talking about the other person; I'm talking about you."

This reminds me of Dov Baron's advice to singles looking for a partner:  "If you want to find love, become the beloved."  (By the way, my partner and I will be attending Dov's upcoming Quantum Soulmates for Couples 5-day immersive program.  It will be held February 28 - March 3, 2008 at Loon Lake in British Columbia, Canada.  Won't you join us?)

Lisa Nichols speaks from personal experience, having struggled with depression, low self-esteem, and suicidal thoughts and feelings.  Her solution?

"When I fell in love with Lisa -- full lips, round hips, mocha skin, Afro -- then the rest of the world fell in love with Lisa."

What do you think of that?

Esther Hicks concurs, adding,

"If you knew your potential to feel good, you'd ask no one to be different for you so you could feel good.  You would free yourself of all of that cumbersome impossibility of needing to control the world or control your mate or control your child.  You're the only one who creates your reality.  For no one else can think for you.  No one else can do it.  It is only you; every bit of it you."

 Isn't that refreshing?  Liberating?

A rare studio photograph of Gandhi taken in London at the request of Lord Irwin, 1931This past Saturday, October 27, there was an anti-war rally in Seattle, one of 11 that were scheduled to occur in major US cities across the country. At least 20,000 were expected to attend/participate in the Seattle rally alone.

The opposition is primarily to the current Iraq war, which has been described as unjust. That's interesting.  Isn't all war unjust?

Deepak Chopra is perhaps the most well-known Indian medical doctor (and certainly the most prolific Indian author) on the planet, and it has taken me until just the other day to pick up his 2005 book, Peace is the Way: Bringing War and Violence to an End.

I was immediately struck by the title (I am an ordained Minister of Peace), and as I began to read it, I was captivated by Chopra's positive, inspirational message of/for peace. Inspiration for the title comes from a quote of Mahatma Gandhi, who said, "There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."

In fact, there is a peace movement already underway, Chopra writes, and each one of us can quicken its unfolding by progressively becoming peacemakers now.

One way we can do this is by embracing and actively carrying out what Deepak Chopra calls the Seven Practices for Peace
Deepak Chopra, M.D. (p. 24). Each day of the week, Chopra outlines a simple, specific practice that takes only a few minutes to carry out. In this way, each of us individually -- one person at a time -- can end war for ourselves by shifiting our allegiance to peace.

What can one person do?

 "A million tiny earthquakes move more ground than a single cataclysmic quake," Chopra answers.  "There is no bettter or easier way to live than by catching the wave of evolution." Yes, there is power in specific, individual action!

Will you join me in this 7-part program for peace?

Today (Sunday) begins the first day of the program; you may join in at any time.  Just click on the link in the navigation bar to access the practice for each day.

Each day this week, I will add the practice for that day that each of us will follow (If you happen to have the book, the Deepak Chopra’s program begins on page 24).   Of course, this time next Sunday begins the cycle of peacemaking anew, so you will repeat today’s practice then.

Concerning the practices, Chopra says “You can be as private or outspoken as you wish.”  I’ve arranged each day’s practice in a discussion forum format, so if you feel so inclined, please freely share how your new, active path for peace is impacting you and those around you.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that, rather than feel powerless in a world that seems addicted to war, you and I can effect positive change oriented toward peace starting right now?